How I Wish She Was Just Physically Ill

This week we heard the news that she has clear breaks from reality. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Regardless of how bad the behavior gets, I somehow am able to deny how bad some of it is in my head. God's mercies? If I spent every day thinking about diagnoses and how bad things are, I would want to crawl under the covers and not come out (which is how I do feel somedays).

Over the last few months, we had slowly weaned her off of her anti-psychotic - first, because we didn't know what it was doing and her former psychiatrist's answer to everything was to add or change meds and second, because with my new insurance, the cost of her prescription went from $150 for 90 days to $1800 for 90 days. No, that's not a typo - that is the cost for one of her medications. After we meet our deductible, we'd still have to pay 20% of that cost. Over the last two weeks, she has finished what was left of that medication and it has completely left the system. The doctor immediately changed her medication - removed one and added a new one (a much cheaper one). It's supposed to take about a week for the medication to build up in her system. The last few days have been better but it might just be coincidence since not all days are bad.

When we first took my daughter to a therapist, the therapist recommended that we read the Bipolar Child. I did . . . cover to cover. She also recommended some websites to me. I can't remember where I read it but there was a doctor that said he would rather his child have leukemia than bipolar disorder. I understand that. It's not that either of us would wish cancer on our child (or anyone else's) but there are so many things that are easier with leukemia. There are known treatments for leukemia, that in most cases will help and likely put the child into remission. People are supportive and understand Leukemia. I wouldn't have to be embarrassed to tell them that my child is sick with Leukemia. This isn't to say that people aren't supportive (I am so grateful for the support of my friends and family) just that, in general, people know what Leukemia is and what they can do to help.

I was telling her tonight that it would be so much easier if she just had something physical. If she broke her leg, I could take her to the hospital and it would be fixed. If she had cancer, it is likely that, if caught early enough, that they could treat her and she would survive it. Unfortunately, with mental illness, it's not an exact science. The best we can do is pray for her and hope that the new meds will work.

My friend Carrie sent me the lyrics to a song (Blessings by Laura Story) the other day that has already becoming very meaningful to me. The chorus says:

What if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a 1000 sleepless nights are
what it takes to know you're near

What if trials of this life
are your mercies in disguise?

The full song is below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

For a period of time, I constantly saw reference to the scripture Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you and I will prosper you." This has been a constant reminder for me of God's working in my life and how I have to wait for Him and His timing. I'm generally not that patient but maybe some of my lessons are in that alone.

I thank you for your support and your love. It means so much to me.


Pam