I read "Dear Abby" in today's newspaper and there was one letter about a couple whose granddaughter had visited and kept "finding" money. When the granddaughter went home, they discovered where she really had found the money. When they told the daughter, her response was non-chalant and asked how much she had taken. I don't know if that daughter knew the truth and was embarrassed by it or if she was in denial but that is never easy news to hear regardless of the circumstances.
There have been many times in Sarah's life, that I have been asked the question "how can you possibly know at that age?" Over the course of the last few weeks, I've had the opportunity to think about a lot of things that have gone on with her since she was a baby that pointed to something being wrong.
When Sarah first came home from the hospital, she slept 5 hours at night. It was great for a while . . . but, it never really changed. She would wake up in the middle of the night as a toddler and want to play. I would be so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open but could not go back to sleep. At that time, I co-slept (whether you agree with that practice or not is irrelevant but I am aware of the dangers that exist and am blessed that nothing happened). We tried letting her cry to go to sleep but I had a hard time with it and I would always end up with her back in my bed. It was keeping me from sleeping. My mother told me that I just needed to let her cry. So, when we lived in a not-so-great apartment complex with paper-thin walls, I finally decided to do it. When she woke up at 2 am, I didn't get up; I let her cry. The only problem was that she didn't just cry . . . she yelled "help me" over and over. One of our neighbors called the police. We didn't do that again.
During the day, when she was a toddler, Sarah would often have something (generally involving me saying "no" to something) that would lead her to start what I commonly called a "fit." Those fits would go on for up to 2 hours and involved her screaming, crying and kicking her feet. She would follow me around the apartment doing it. There were many times that I would give in to get it to stop (if you've never dealt with it, it is unlikely that you would understand what it's like to have your 2 year old in a full blown tantrum for two hours). The only thing was, it wouldn't stop. It would continue but I actually made it worse by giving her what she wanted. Often, these tantrums happened 5 - 6 times a day.
I had a friend that would babysit for her that lived about 40 minutes from us. Almost every time we left the friend's house, it was with Sarah screaming. By the time I would get home, I often would be in tears myself.
She also "found" money at my sister's house once. It belonged to one of my niece's and was returned. Yes, I know that taking things that don't belong to a child can be normal behavior . . . but most of them get it when they are caught. Sarah definitely didn't get it.
Having a toddler with mental illness versus a mentally well toddler is like comparing traditional sports to extreme sports. Many of the things they do are the same . . . but the mentally ill toddler's behaviors are extreme and often unending. Some of it makes no sense at all. I remember days of locking myself in my bedroom and sitting against the door crying and praying so she couldn't hit me or kick me anymore and so that I would be able to control my own anger and frustrations.
The anger and rage didn't change much. Some of the other behaviors did. Two years ago, on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, I didn't stay at church for the second service and Sarah was upset with me. This time her screaming and yelling led to threatening to kill herself on the way home. She didn't just say "I'm going to kill myself" . . . she said that she was going to get a knife and stab herself when we got back to Grandma's house. In the middle of it, she saw that I was upset and calmed down.
I should note here that I told Sarah's therapist about the suicide threat the next day. I asked him to talk to her about it because I couldn't do it. He didn't seem to take it seriously . . . and when he finally talked to her, he said "I know you didn't mean it when you said those words. You should choose different words." In my opinion, nobody should ever assume that a child (even at the age of 10) didn't mean it. There have been cases of suicide at that age (or younger) in the recent past. I mentioned this incident to the clinician recently and was told that maybe he was nervous about confronting her and sending her home with me. But, I said, "wouldn't it be better for me to know that she meant it and get her the help she really needs?"
I pray that if you're reading this, you never have to figure out if your child's behavior is normal. But, if you do, trust your instinct.
NOTE ON SUICIDE: If someone you love is threatening suicide, take it seriously and get them help. Don't worry about them being mad at you . . . better alive and mad than gone because they didn't know any other way to deal with it. I have read that it should not be swept under the carpet. Don't be afraid to ask them if they have a plan. And, never be afraid to call for help.
I don't know about other states, but in the state of CT, you can call 2-1-1. They have a mobile psychiatric unit that can deal with these issues. The police (nothing against policemen) are not always trained to handle issues of mental illness.
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