Hope

I have found since Sarah was little, that she has very little ability to think logically. She seems unable to connect consequences to her actions. This makes it exceptionally difficult to discipline her for anything she does. I assume that this is common in the mentally ill. I've seen it with my brother-in-law, too. It doesn't seem to matter what they do, it is never their fault. If Sarah breaks something in anger, it is my fault because I made her angry. If Sarah loses something, it is her sister's fault (or someone else in the house) because they had to have taken it. Often, it is just that she has put it down someplace other than where she remembered. If she is unable to find someone to come over and play on a weekend, I didn't let her have a playdate. While these things seem somewhat small, the reactions when things are not exactly as she wishes are far worse than you see from most kids. It generally involves yelling and screaming, jumping up and down and sometimes, even violence towards me (strangely enough, more often me than my husband) or her siblings. What makes it even harder, is that as soon as she is "calm" after one of these episodes, she expects that life will go on as if nothing ever happened. Because of this inability to truly connect the discipline she receives to her behavior, the behavior continues and seems to be getting progressively worse. I am struggling to figure out any ways to modify her behavior and feeling so hopeless.

The Journey through Mental Illness

I've started this blog because I need some place to record my thoughts. Living with someone with mental illness is challenging and, often, emotionally draining. With younger children, it can be exceptionally difficult because the behavior is so often misunderstood and we are thought to have undisciplined or unruly children. Or, outside of the house, people may only see the "good" side of your child and not believe what the child can be like at home. Our journey started very early. I noticed when my first daughter was very young that her behavior was not typical of other children. She was very angry and extremely prone to tantrums. I know . . . most kids are prone to tantrums. But, these were different. Something would trigger a tantrum and that tantrum could last for 2 or more hours. At some points, I would give in because I couldn't take it anymore . . . the screaming was unpleasant and unbearable. Unfortunately, not only did giving in NOT end the tantrum but it made it worse the next time. And, these would happen multiple times daily. I knew she was different but couldn't bring myself to admit it. I didn't want to take her to the psychiatrist . . . that would mean she was crazy and my daughter couldn't be crazy. I just had to change how and when I disciplined her. For three more years, I continued to live in denial. In kindergarten, there were days that the school would call and say we had to pick her up because they were afraid to have her get on the bus because she was out of control. More than once this happened because she was told that another classmate had to pick up his own toys. In February of that kindergarten year, after she kicked me hard enough during a tantrum that I thought she had broken my thumb, I finally gave in and called the psychiatrist. This started us down a long and painful road. Child psychiatrists are hard to find and most of them don't do therapy--you have to get a pscyhologist to do therapy. The psychiatrist we started taking her to put her on medication and in the last eight years, those meds have changed multiple times. They all have side effects. Some seem to help. Some seem to do nothing at all. And, often, they are very expensive. What makes mental illness harder than physical illness is that there are very few definitive tests. There aren't blood tests that will show that your child has early onset bipolar disorder, anxiety, ADHD or ODD or a myriad of other diagnoses that many of us have received. There are no x-rays. It is all trial and error. If the patient is put on an anti-depressant and it causes a manic episode, they are likely to have bipolar disorder. If one drug doesn't work, they have to try another. As they age, the original medication that you finally got the right dose of doesn't work anymore. And, for adults with mental illness, you have the added difficulty that the right medication will often make the mentally ill feel cured . . . and then they want to go off their meds and a new viscious cycle begins. With our oldest, she has had diagnoses of early onset bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression and, now, ODD, mood disorder NOS, ADHD, and anxiety. And, more recently, my third has been diagnosed with ADHD. The third presented with classic symptoms but I didn't want another child with "issues." I should tell you, though, not taking your child to the psychiatrist doesn't keep them from having mental illness anymore than not taking your child to the doctor would keep them from having cancer. My other two children are "normal" - at least from the perspective of mental illness. They also have to learn to live with the mental illness and all it brings into our house. I'd also like to note right from the start, making the choice to put my child on meds was extremely difficult. Nobody wants that for their child. For many mental illnesses, they are needed. These are neurological disorders that require treatment for the child to try to live a normal life. You would not be judged for putting your child on insulin. You wouldn't be judged for medications for heart disease, cancer, allergies or any other physical medical malady. Please consider this before you make any judgements on my decision to medicate my children.